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I grew up in a religious household and [I was forced to attend] youth group retreats that focused on dating and ‘how to find God’s
perfect mate for you.’
Some of these events included drawing
on a Barbie doll with a Sharpie to display what areas of your body were
permissible to touch when dating (sex was out of the question) and scare tactics
by showing graphic pictures of what STDs looked like. We also were instructed to make lists of our
non-negotiables for a future spouse.
We were 13-years old. We barely knew
how to maintain our own hygiene.
We didn’t know what we wanted in a
dating situation other than hoping they were really cute, a good kisser, and liked
the same music we did. Yet list-making we did, being brainwashed into believing
there was one ideal person that would be everything we wanted them to be before
ever meeting them.
My list of an ideal mate included such weighty
items as “tall, handsome, funny, loves
God, wears CK1.”
Some of my friends made their lists and
some of them met ‘their person’ and got married young. It didn’t work that way
for a lot of us, though.
While I believe that my youth group
leaders had admirable, good intentions, reality is that fear tactics and lists
of ideals harmed my ability to learn about what actually mattered in a
relationship. It didn’t train me for life within a relationship.
Or marriage at 24 years old. Or divorce
at 27 years old.
It didn’t teach me about how to set
healthy boundaries.
Or how to stand up for myself when
something felt uncomfortable or hurtful.
Or how to distinguish what ‘red flags’
are and how to talk about them.
Or how to break up with someone in a
dignified manner.
Or how to like myself first, the other
person second.
Nothing about character. Just a list of
check boxes that indicated if you were ‘staying pure’ or not.
At age 29, I tried something different. I threw out the old mentality and I committed to a new way of doing relationships.
I made a list of all the things that
hadn’t worked and things I did not want. I did something scary – I trusted the
process. I didn’t try to control the variables.
Eventually, Zachary came along.
Now he’s my dude. My partner. My
bestie.
While he doesn’t wear CK1, he’s got a
slew of amazing qualities, outstanding character, and he is one of the most
likable people I know. He’s not someone I would have ever considered dating
previously, though, because he didn’t match The List of ideals I made at
13-years dumb.
Now I see that my relationship has to feel
and be holistically right, not a list of checked boxes. I’ve looked great on
paper before and been miserable at home. That’s not a sacrifice I will never
make again. And this resolve has led me to seeing the importance of living
congruently. My insides match my outsides. My relationship matches that, too.