My Tiny Buddha

This week marks my premiere on Tiny Buddha, a lovely and widespread online publication that strives to bring peace, calm, and practical personal stories to those who seek a holistic life. My beloved has written for Tiny Buddha a couple of times and raved about working with the founder and editor in chief, Lori. 

It's true, she is a doll. And one of the easiest people I've ever worked with in the writing world.

Thank you to all who have continued to encourage my writing and sharing my story.

You can read my first article with Tiny Buddha here.

Why I Buy Myself Flowers & Wine

Before you go jumping to all sorts of conclusions, no. The subject of this post is not a passive-aggressive shot at my partner. (He buys me both often thankyouverymuch.) This is about ME celebrating ME.

A girlfriend of mine sent me a video yesterday of a business coach who expressed something really powerful: 

“Celebrate the effort, not the outcome.”

Yeeowzer.

The version of myself a few years ago would have said to save the celebrating for a signed contract with several zeros after the $ sign or an Academy Award. The steps along the way were not meant to be appreciated. What have they given me? Not a paycheck, that’s for sure. In fact, some networking and professional presentations have felt like a complete waste of my energy and time.

But let’s remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day. (I know, I hate those adages but this one is just too on point.) 

We typically don’t get the big wins on the first try. That’s why the word “anomaly” is in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary. It doesn’t mean it’s impossible just unlikely. It all matters, though. It plays a role for us in our leadership journey, as cheesy as it sounds, and we can choose to embrace it or spite it.

Everything inside of me has wanted to ignore the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into certain projects or professional relationships. Fact of the matter is that I have given part of myself to all of that, though. It’s all a part of me.

Have I learned? Abundantly.

Have I grown? Absolutely.

Will I make the same mistake twice? Not if I can help it.

So, today I had a small win. I landed an opportunity that I created for myself over time with a company whose staff I adore and whose vision believe in. I pitched myself to them for a big project, they wanted something less. I agreed on terms that worked for me. 

Immediately upon leaving our meeting I stop by the store and purchased myself a bouquet of brightly colored wildflowers and my favorite wine, because even though it was (arguably) a “small” win, it’s still a win.

Celebrating our wins, no matter the size, primes us for the next opportunity and leads us to the next thing. We didn’t get there overnight. We worked for it.

No one has to know about the chocolate Bon Bons and your rental of Sweet Home Alabama. Do it for you.

You deserve it. 

No Drama, No Gossip, No Stress, No Problem

I’ve been purging this year. Purging as much as possible. I moved for the 7^th time in four years in the spring [somanylongstories], and that brought even more purging of material things that held meaning at one time, with certain connotations, and it was simply time to be rid of them altogether. My navy blue, velvety sectional couch included. Sad face.

Photos, letters, mementos, and boxes upon boxes of crafting supplies that I splurged on when Pinterest hit the scene in 2010. I was inspired, what can I say. I also donated a few blouses I’ve had since college. Yep, it was time for me to break up my long-term relationship with Old Navy circa 2002, too.

This all falls in line with what I’ve shared about here, I’ve been actively engaged in an internal, spiritual cleanse. Purging old mental and emotional habits like self-doubt and fear, breaking down blockades to a peaceful spirit, and addressing my severe allergy to vulnerability.

Slowly, things are coming together. Newness is emerging – and it’s incredible. 

Journeys to wholeness are rarely easy..... and never short.

Part of this whole process has recently resulted in the ending of some friendships and the purging of what came along with them – drama, gossip, and unnecessary stress. My heart is both sad and relieved to have these changes, honestly. I believe in having the best possible relationships with all people... AND sometimes the best possible status of a relationship is “not close.”

There can be any number of reasons for this and it doesn’t mean one or the other persons involved are bad people. Similar to romantic relationships, sometimes the chemistry between two people just doesn’t work. We want different things and we have different values and expectations.

That’s okay.

Everyone is entitled to be as they are.

But we don’t have to be close to all people as they are if it’s not good for us.

I’m processing through some of that and it still carries a strong energy of awkwardness for me. However, it feels pretty great to have freedom from high-drama, gossip and judgment, unattainable expectations, complaining, codependency, passive-aggressive behavior, and the stress all of that brings. Those aren’t things that I engage in and they don’t work for me in any sort of relationship. That’s my line in the sand.

And to be 100% honest, people have “broken up” with me in several friendships in the past because I behaved in some of those unsavory ways. They had a right to do so. I commend them for their choice and integrity.  

It was through some of those painful friend-break-ups that helped me learn about what I wanted my own boundaries to look like. I don’t do it all perfectly today but I do a pretty kickass job of it.

If we only have one, precious chance to live the life we have, it might as well be the one we want. Purge the clutter... the head chatter... the fears... the things holding you back from really being who you are. Get rid of anything that doesn't work for you. Maybe hold on to your blue sectional couch if you can, though.

 

Brene Strikes [my heart] Again

Well, this made me cry.

http://brenebrown.com/

"Fun" & "New"

For the six people who follow my blog, you might remember that my word for the year is fun. As cheesy as it may sound, I’ve been too busy having fun to write here. I also adopted a sub-category of fun, which is “new.”

New used to induce a gag reflex. I hated it. It represented lack of control, possibilities and –worst of all- changes. Shutter. No possible way to know outcomes, nothing is for sure, and holy crap where is my mom. Hints of “new” came like the entrance music for the Wicked Witch of the West.

Now? It turns out that I like new. A lot. The things that used to hold me back or cause fear now draw me in. New restaurant? Sign me up. New beverage to try? Sure (although ginger-anything is NOT MY FAVORITE). New friends? I could use more. It likely sounds ridiculous to anyone who is not me, but hey, this is my blog.

Here are some of my 2014 Fun & New lists...

New EXPERIENCES

1)    I'm a pro with Madison’s daily IV

I won’t bring it down in my first sentence. My cat was diagnosed with kidney failure earlier this year and this has resulted in the need for me to administer a daily IV drip to keep her hydrated. Stick a needle in my pet? Are you KIDDING ME? What started off as a teary, scary endeavor has turned into a beautiful daily bonding opportunity. It’s just a part of life for us, and we are used to it. Okay, so it’s not so much fun as it is just new. #Iambrave

Not a professional. (@ Womack & Bowman)

2)    I now take aerial classes

Yes. It sounds as awesome as it is. I get up on silks and hang and flip and swirl and everything. (I won't use technical language for common folk... but my split inversions are SOLID. Not pictured.) Not easy, it's a hard workout. I’m pretty badass, but I'm only 1% as badass as my trainer, Rachel. JEEZ.

3)    I stayed in a new hotel & saw Cirque’s “O” show

I prefer to stay in tried and true places when I travel. This month, I changed it up and stayed in a hotel on the Las Vegas strip I have never stayed at. The pools were a spectacle and everything I anticipated. My partner even got a deal with $35 food/beverage credit, which purchased approximately one margarita. Whatever. We would have paid anyway. BUT THEN... I took us to see both of our very first Cirque du Soleil shows, O. Words cannot describe the experience because it was that impressive.

New EATS

1)    I ate raw fish

I have only started to eat sushi (actuality: cooked fish rolls) in the last two years. I pretended to like it because it is all the rage for people I fancy to have a good palate. Then, I had the Albacore Poke appetizer at Warren’s Blackboard. I’m a believer.

2)    I made something fancy

I found dates at Trader Joe’s and bought them before looking up a recipe. Came home and found one immediately. Made broiled dates stuffed with goat cheese and almonds with a honey-balsamic sauce. Recommended.

3)    I tried something green in liquid form

I work in Malibu and I tend to believe we have the best of everything there. So I ordered a kale shake one morning. I thought it would taste bad. It did. I finished it to prove a point to myself.

New VENTURES

1)    I am getting published again

I’ll be published with Tiny Buddha soon! The founder is very kind and complimentary. I’ll link to it on here when it comes out.

2)    I am co-founding a company

That sums it up. Co-founding an all-female consultancy for some of the most incredibly talented, boss ladies in Los Angeles. I’m heading up DNA for our consultants and core team development as well as being a featured consultant and trainer. Details to come... launching soon!

And that about wraps my year up to this point. Fun, new, and everything between. The best part is I'm surprising myself nearly every day. Intention to action... I'm loving it.

 

Albert Einstein Can Fix Your Problems

I believe most people spend an inordinate amount of time dissecting conflicts or things they are not totally satisfied with. (That sounds a lot better that saying we worry about a lot – let’s make it sound proactive.) He said, she said, that must mean, I can't believe that...

We can get so caught up in the details of each side of a story, the black and white, the right and wrong, the scorecard, that we miss the most basic of principles, which is to not do anything until I there is clarity. Anxiety and stress tend to run the show, as modern social studies show us. We try to measure things that are not measurable, therefore attempting to force clarity.

A quote that inspires my life on a daily basis is by the crazy-haired, brilliant scientist/philosopher, Albert Einstein. It reads,

“When the solution is simple, god is answering.”

The right answer is the simple one.

We muddy the waters of life with our selfishness and our attempts to control and make something happen or not happen. I'm at fault for this - I often times I believe I am in charge of the results. Our subconscious clings with a death grip to the idea that if we only hope hard enough, try hard enough, and give enough that life will all happen exactly as we desire it to. It’s a lot of work and energy.

Which is why trying, controlling, and forcing is not the simple answer. 

It doesn’t mean the simple answer is the easy or painless one; it is just the right one. It’s simple because it’s the one that resonates with the deepest part of who we are. We intuitively know if something works for us or not, or if we like something/someone or not. That’s the simple answer.

So the next time you’re wondering if you should/shouldn’t date someone, or go to that event function or spend time with that person, take a deep breath and think about good'ol Einstein. He just might help you find what the truest, simplest answer is for you. 

For the Love, Stop Taking ‘No’ Personally

I never knew how much I would grow to appreciate that one, little word that packs such a punch:

No.

No is a complete sentence, as my mentor reminds me. It doesn’t require qualifying language, a predicate or noun to surround it. It’s clear and concise. It explains the most important piece of information needed in any given situation where it is relevant. It’s perfectly complete with just two letters strung together.

No. [Add ‘thank you’ if you feel extra generous.]

I’ve come to the end of my people-pleasing days and let me tell you it’s liberating. Three decades of living to make other people happy (which actually never worked) has gone on long enough.

Here I am stating for you and all of the Universe to hear: I release the need to qualify why I say no. 

It’s no one's business, frankly, and my resources of time and energy are far too precious to spend going around qualifying and explaining the reason behind my no. That, in some cases, would be me hiding and checking the temperature of emotional waters before jumping in. It would be as though I am asking for permission to feel valid in my answer. That behavior is based in people-pleasing because I want to make sure they feel okay about my answer instead of being confident that I'm okay not needing to explain myself. I have my answer and that's enough.

My god, how many hours I have wasted away with worry about what other people think.

I’ve violated my own values, my gut, my heart so many times that I think for a period of time I forgot I had my own will and desires and needs and wants that were important to listen to. Who’s life am I living, though? Mine. What do I want for it? Lots. Making room for what I want for myself necessitates saying no to things that don't contribute to my values or the rhythm of my life.

I know, saying no can be scary. Perhaps people will be mad with you. But what is the worst that can happen?

Case:

An individual asked if I would speak at an event that same day. I said no. They accused me of being selfish and uncommitted to the cause for the event and to them personally. What they didn’t know was I was on couch-rest and heavy medication for a back injury from a few days before.

Point:

My answer was not personal to that person, it was personal to me. The reason was irrelevant. We tend to take “no” personally yet it is never personal (read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz). Often we have no idea what someone is going through or why something doesn’t work for them when we want it to work for us. The thing is we don’t need to know. It’s not about us. Let it be. Accept it and don’t waste emotional energy on mulling it over. You have much better things to do with your time.

Could I have explained myself to the invitee? Sure. However, explaining myself would have been a way I could provide an excuse. Sometimes saying no without qualifying it and then sitting in discomfort is one of the best ways to grow because it forces us to get comfortable with ourselves.

What I share with my clients is this: “The most important person in any equation is you.” If you’re involved and say yes, make sure it’s something you want to be known by, stand by and give yourself to. If you don't have time, you don't. If you don't have the energy, you don't.  If there is any part of your gut that says, “Mehhhh... eeeehhh...” don’t do it. Just don’t. Sit in the discomfort of taking care of yourself instead of spending energy in places that don't align with you. It will eventually start to feel normal an greater self esteem will emerge.

Here is to many more no's so you can expand your life with other yes's.