Thursday, November 21, 2013

Numero Uno

My first post here. I should let you know I have been dreading this moment for a long time. I imagine most people launch a blog with fantastic ambition and a belief they will be known or get famous or perhaps just have a place where they can be further affirmed in how awesome they are - and I am sure they are all awesome people. But this launch is a different sort of experience for me.

Years ago I had a blog and I have a fairly solid number of readers. I felt I had good things to say and I wrote almost strictly from my own life experiences and learnings. (By the way, I will use words here that are not actual words but I like them.) Then I hit some snags in life and I choose to take myself offline. And by "snags" I mean hitting one of the lowest, darkest bottoms of adult life. It was not pretty. I'll be sharing more about that in other posts.

I was grateful for the time off; I needed it. I engaged my fears, met new friends, found tremendous support, and healed. Recently, however, I have been getting a nagging feeling deep in my gut that I am supposed to start writing through the medium of a blog again. Call it God, call it self-induced belief, call it what you want. In any case, it's been clear that this is what I'm supposed to do.

So here I am.

My discomfort at starting up again comes from a deeply seeded lie I need to be in the "perfect" place in life to have a blog. You know, with all things going well, everything cheery and rosy, and with positive, powerful things to say. The truth is that I've been stripped of all the things I thought gave me a platform or any sort of importance.

All I can say right now is that I feel as though I am submitting myself to the universe and writing from a place of need.

Of lack.
Of loneliness.
Of haunting unknowingness.

There is one thing that exists in me that brings me to this place, though. As you can gather, my last name is Auda. I am told the original name is a much longer Italian configuration that my great great grandfather changed when he migrated to Ellis Island. I have heard all variations of puns on my name (pronounced "aw-duh"). The one that strikes me most is the term audacious.


The dictionary listing for the term is this:

au-da-cious - adjective
1. showing a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks
synonyms: bold, daring, fearless, intrepid, brave, courageous, valiant, heroic

My name is literally the first four letters of a rather powerful term. And despite the lows of my life, past and current, I have never lost my audaciousness. I see my own fear regarding this blog and I am intentionally choosing to act differently because that is the truest part of who I am. I refuse to allow my fears of not being enough or perfect to dictate how I live my life. The fear is present, and that's why doing this is important.

This blog is audacious. I am audacious. I will share about the sheer audaciousness of my life here. Welcome to my new adventure, I hope you stick around.

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