Years ago I had a blog and I have a fairly solid number of readers. I felt I had good things to say and I wrote almost strictly from my own life experiences and learnings. (By the way, I will use words here that are not actual words but I like them.) Then I hit some snags in life and I choose to take myself offline. And by "snags" I mean hitting one of the lowest, darkest bottoms of adult life. It was not pretty. I'll be sharing more about that in other posts.
I was grateful for the time off; I needed it. I engaged my fears, met new friends, found tremendous support, and healed. Recently, however, I have been getting a nagging feeling deep in my gut that I am supposed to start writing through the medium of a blog again. Call it God, call it self-induced belief, call it what you want. In any case, it's been clear that this is what I'm supposed to do.
So here I am.
My discomfort at starting up again comes from a deeply seeded lie I need to be in the "perfect" place in life to have a blog. You know, with all things going well, everything cheery and rosy, and with positive, powerful things to say. The truth is that I've been stripped of all the things I thought gave me a platform or any sort of importance.
All I can say right now is that I feel as though I am submitting myself to the universe and writing from a place of need.
Of haunting unknowingness.
There is one thing that exists in me that brings me to this place, though. As you can gather, my last name is Auda. I am told the original name is a much longer Italian configuration that my great great grandfather changed when he migrated to Ellis Island. I have heard all variations of puns on my name (pronounced "aw-duh"). The one that strikes me most is the term audacious.
The dictionary listing for the term is this:
au-da-cious - adjective
1. showing a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks
synonyms: bold, daring, fearless, intrepid, brave, courageous, valiant, heroic
My name is literally the first four letters of a rather powerful term. And despite the lows of my life, past and current, I have never lost my audaciousness. I see my own fear regarding this blog and I am intentionally choosing to act differently because that is the truest part of who I am. I refuse to allow my fears of not being enough or perfect to dictate how I live my life. The fear is present, and that's why doing this is important.
This blog is audacious. I am audacious. I will share about the sheer audaciousness of my life here. Welcome to my new adventure, I hope you stick around.